You Can't Make Us Smell Good, Goddamit!

by Mystique

In what is being touted as yet another infringement of an engineer’s already infringed life at TU, the administration has come up with a brilliant yet devilish scheme in order to increase the overall hygiene of the campus.

The ‘Shower Police’ has just been commissioned at an emergency meeting of the Thapar University governing council (read the fourth Reich), a body formulated for the sole purpose of ensuring that every single student of this notoriously unclean University take a bath ‘atleast once a week.’ The press release after the meeting of the Reich…erm, the governing council drew a very mixed response from the three journalists present at the very high profile press conference. 

Typical Thapar Student

While this reporter, in all journalistic sensibility, of course, remained neutral at the announcement, the LitSoc representative positively broke down in tears. She, by the looks of it, had maintained a strict regime of bi-annual sponge baths for quite some time, and upon hearing the announcement, as the prospect of a healthy and quite necessary cleansing overtook her, she started tearing up and screaming obscenities at the Reich representative.

Amidst shouts of ‘you-can’t-make-us-smell-good! Goddamnit-engineers-are-not-meant-to-smell-good!’ she was escorted out of the hall by a couple of gasmask-wearing Gestapo agents…erm, I mean University guards.

The Reich representative…I mean, governing council representative proceeded to outline the details and particulars of the ‘No engineer left filthy!’ campaign, and the powers given to the Shower Police.

1. The ‘shower security’ or the SS for short (coincidence?) has, as it’s primary objective the responsibility to make sure every single student at the University takes at least one bath a week, failing which the SS reserves the right to forcibly bathe the offender, or if that proves too difficult, recommend the offender to be failed in all subjects that semester.
2. A new subject, ‘Hygiene’, with 4.5 credits, is being formed and all students, irrespective of branch, year and/or gender will be graded on it, on a per week basis. At the end of the semester, the final grade will be part of the student’s SGPA. The grades are as follows-
   A – grade points 10 – ‘Squeaky Clean’
   B – grade points 8 – ‘Marginally bad breath/body odour’
   C – grade points 6 – ‘More soap required’
   D – grade points 4 – ‘Six week old cheese’
   E – grade points 2 – ‘Bio-Hazard!’
   F – grade points 0 – ‘Biological/Chemical Weapon of Mass Destruction’
   On recent survey of both the girls and boys hostels, the grade point average (GPA) in all the boys hostels combined is a very alarming 5.24, and in the girls hostels combined, a marginally better 5.66. Current year end targets are at least 7.5 as a whole.

   

   FNT's suggestion for increasing the...enthusiasm of the
   students towards taking showers! *wink 

3. Mass distribution of free industrial strength soap is being put through final logistical testing, and will be underway in less than a week.
4. Instructional videos on the proper brushing of teeth, and the recommended use of bathing soap are to be forcibly downloaded onto every single laptop computer on campus.
   (At this point, one journalist ventured to ask whether this would affect the already fragile bandwidth situation on campus. The Reich representative responded with a very curt, ‘Well, they can download one less porn video that night.’)
5. The newly formed position of ‘Dean of Nahaying’ (DON! DON! DON! for short… ‘Dean of Bathing’ for all you firangs) is being filled by one Dr. Sabunmalyam Showerjee.

A further one hundred and twenty two points were then described to the gathering, and although they are too lengthy to be printed here in their entirety, those looking for further details can do so on every notice-board in existence in the University. Apparently, this is a very important matter for the Reich.

We caught up with the DON! DON! DON! Dr.Showerjee to ask him about his plans on how to implement the ‘No Engineer Left Filthy!’ campaign. He was rather candid about the whole situation, and had this to say, ‘Having been an engineering student myself, I can say with a lot of empathy that I know what these young men and women are going through. The very thought of taking a bath, in the morning, standing underneath that cleansing shower of water, going through the very mundane process of repeatedly lathering yourself with that disgustingly fresh-smelling bar of soap, and the repulsive feeling of being clean for a change, afterwards, I mean it’s enough to make one’s skin crawl. But what I am here to make these young people understand is, that the world puts rather a lot of importance on things such as smelling-good, fresh breath, non-sticky fingers, the real colour of your skin etc. etc… I realize that these things are very difficult for an engineering student to grasp, but hygiene is freakishly important in the outside world, it’s strange, but true!’

We also caught up with a few of the students around campus to take in their views on these developments.

The famous shower scene from Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho'...
Also why Thapar students SAY they don't shower

A very morose looking third year mechanical student, wearing what looked like a brown hoodie, had this to say, ‘I knew this would happen…I knew! It’s like we’re living in China, man! I mean, why why why do I have to take a shower, man? It’s horrifying!’
A few tears leaked out of the student’s eyes at this point, leaving two trails of lighter skin on his face. We asked him about the last time he took a shower. Positively trembling, he replied, ‘Well, when I went home last summer, my mom made me took one. Ha! But I fooled her! I went into the washroom, turned on the shower and just put a few drops of water on my face and arms, and made it look like I had done it proper. It was a close call, but I guess the last real time I took a shower was the summer of 2009, before I first came to Thapar. I still have nightmares about it sometimes.’

Whether this is a good move on the part of the authorities, well we’ll let you, the readers decide, but one thing is for sure, very soon there may come a time when the only time you’ll crinkle your nose in college is when you walk past the chemistry department, because no one, no one can make those idiots smell better.

YOUR B.TECH MIGHT JUST BE GETTING SEXIER…

by Mystique

In a very welcome and long awaited move, the UGC announced last Thursday that ‘Sex Education’ would become mandatory teaching at all engineering institutions, across the country.
There had previously been heated debates in the parliament, as well as in the UGC as to whether there was any need to introduce this very controversial aspect of education at an undergraduate level.
But when a delegation from the Sex Education Execution Committee (or SEXC for short) visited a reputed north Indian engineering college (you know which one!), they were, in their own words, ‘goddamn f*&^ing shocked!’
One of the anthropologists, a Mr.Ramalingam had this to say, ‘I’d heard reports before, on how bad the situation was in our country’s engineering colleges, but frankly, I’d never expected this. To be very honest, I’ve seen pieces of toast with more sexual maturity than these engineers.’
While Mr. Ramalingam’s questionable breakfast habits might be the subject of some other FNT story, we just had to know more about this. When we prodded Mr.Ramalingam to further explain his very hardened stance against the engineers, he responded by saying, ‘Well let me explain it to you this way – during our routine surveys among the students, we interact with them regarding matters of a er…well, a sexual nature. And so, when we talked to the girls, we really couldn’t get a straight answer out of them because any time we mentioned the word “sex”, they invariably responded by breaking into an uncontrollable fit of giggles and extreme blushing.”
‘And the boys?’ we probed further.
Mr. Ramalingam straightened up and continued, ‘Well, with the boys, as soon as we mentioned that we were from the Sex Education Execution Committee, they would all invariably lose their train of thought at the word “sex” and then just say something like, “Sex? Where?!”
So as you can see, the situation is very messed up.’
When we talked to some of the students ourselves about this development, the question on most of their lips was, ‘What will be the Lecture-Tutorial-Practical distribution?!’
Clearly, the situation IS messed up and calls for immediate intervention and rectification.
We, at FNT, salute the SEXC, and wish them the very best of luck in their rollout of this very ambitious and important plan.

THE BEST THAPAR DISCOUNT YET!

by Mystique

Reports started coming in last Thursday about a potentially life-altering development (for students of TU) at the National Congress of Liquor Vendors, currently being held in the Indian capital of booze, our very own Chandigarh.

After some snooping around, we can now confirm these reports to be true – Patiala liquor vendors are going to start offering ‘Thapar Discounts’ on all of their commodities, effective as of the first of next month.

Oh my God! Right? I mean goddamnit f*#& YEAH!

Uhm…sorry, I just got a little excited there, as I’m sure, you did as well! Wait let me sit back down on my chair again.

Okay, so where was I…

Yeah, so we can confirm the reports claiming that Patiala liquor vendors are going to start offering ‘Thapar Discounts’ very very soon. Sources say that this move had been in the planning stage for a very long time now, but finally in this session of the NCLV ( National Congress of Liquor Vendors, if you haven’t been following), Lovely “ThekeVala” Singh, the Patiala representative spoke out in a very emotionally-charged address. We have excerpts of that address for you –

“For too long, we have sat by, saying nothing… while our most loyal customers, those starry-eyed boys…and girls…from Thapar have suffered…needlessly, I might add. Why should these people, these wonderful, wonderful people who give us so much business, have to pay the same amount as any third rate alcoholic roaming around the streets of Patiala. These boys…and girls…need the things we have to offer them, and they purchase these things at such high prices. And I say why? Why why why why WHY!? They get discounted pizza, discounted RD, so why the f$%* should we not give them discounted booze?

Uhm…one second…oye Pinku, dhyaan rakh yar, drink khatam hogi meri…chheti banaa!

Ah yes, where was I…yes, why should we not offer them discounted booze? And it also makes financial sense, if they think it’s cheaper, they’ll buy more, and that will more than make up for the money we stand to lose for the discount. It’s win-win!

Er…han han, bas baki soda paa de yar…

Yes, sorry about that. Yes, it’s win-win! So I say let’s do it!”

This address was followed by an unprecedented unanimous vote for the move. Unprecedented because, well, it’s the NCLV, there’s always some drunk idiot who votes the other way just for the heck of it. But this time, even the ones who had passed out, woke up for just long enough to vote yes. It was an historic day indeed.

Early reports suggest that the discount would be around the 15%-20% mark, and for an average Thapar student, this would mean savings of up to Rs.600, or in other terms about one and a half extra bottles of the good stuff per month, or in still other terms almost seven extra bottles of beer per month. To us at FNT, that sounds like a heck of a deal.

We asked some of the students around campus what they thought of this new turn of events. A few of them passed out on hearing the news, while others started jumping around uncontrollably in fits of unbridled joy. One of them, a strapping young fellow who wished to remain anonymous, was able to talk after we resuscitated him. In his words, it was the “best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Another one of his friends, who was so happy on hearing the news he actually managed to have a few drinks before we interviewed him, said, “I’ll tell you what, man…hahahaha! This is so brilliant! I mean…hahahaha! I love you, man, you’re my brother! Hahahaha!”

He proceeded to throw up all over himself and then, still laughing, ran away to get more booze.

If you ask this reporter, FNT has never reported such a positive story before, and I am glad to have been the one to write it, this amazing report, so full of joy, hope and just full to the brim with the triumph of human spirit (pun intended).

The Truth Behind who REALLY Killed Osama

by Mystique

This is perhaps the biggest story to have ever come out of FNT. Also perhaps, the most shocking.
We have debated amongst ourselves, our team at Faking News, whether it is indeed right to publish this story or not, and after intense discussions, we believe that the world deserves to know what really happened in Abbottabad, Pakistan on Sunday evening.
We managed to get hold of one of the US-Navy SEALs who were in the fortified compound that Bin Laden was hiding in, that fateful evening. And we managed, after much persuasion to get the truth about the events of that night.
What we found out, shocked us.
What you are about to read, may disturb you. Proceed with caution.

Okay, first a little back-story.
Almost exactly a year ago, in June of last year to be precise, a robbery occurred at TU’s Patiala campus…a robbery so daring, so epic in scale that the authorities made sure no word of it got out. But we, at FN, amazing journalists as we are, managed to fish out some details.
What was reported stolen the morning after the robbery were three things-
1. An early prototype of the Iron-Man suit from the ECE department.
2. A very, very old generator from one of the labs in the Electrical Engg. Department.
3. The first of the ‘super-fast race cars’ (???) from the Team Fateh garage.
The significance of that robbery has only now come to light.

Read on, dear reader…read on.

US-Navy SEAL Pvt. E.F.Guy had this to say when we persisted on asking him about the events of Sunday evening – (Please excuse the profanities, these are his exact words…)
“Well, a few mates and I were just going out on a joy-ride that night on one of the new Black Hawks our base had just got. We were flying over this huge mansion thingy…well you know, we thought it was just some Sheikh…well anyway, we were flying over this mansion, when suddenly all the lights went out in the compound. A few seconds later, we saw this old dude run out of the front door, hands flailing about in the air, screaming hysterically! We later found out that these guys were using an old…old generator they’d stolen from some…university somewhere, to power the compound, and the old thing had finally died. Well, so this guy is running around in circles beneath us, still screaming out in Arabic…and you know, I remembered this intel report I’d read on Osama Bin Laden…it said he was deathly afraid of the dark. So we flashed a floodlight down at him. Needless to say, that old geezer was Osama Bin *****ng Laden himself. He was wearing pink pajamas, I should tell you…that struck me as odd.
We immediately drew our weapons, and the pilot maneuvered to land the chopper. Osama-fag must have realized who we were, because he suddenly ran back inside the mansion, his pink pajamas flapping around in the wind.
We landed, immediately took flanking positions, and waited…we must’ve waited for like ninety seconds, thinking of our next move, when suddenly the front door crashed open and out came a friggin’ Iron-Man suit! But it wasn’t all cool like in the movie, it was creaking, and sparking, and smoke was coming outta it’s a**, that thing was ugly. So this Iron-Man thing takes two steps towards us, and then seizes up, and we hear Osama’s squeaky little voice from inside saying, ‘Damn those infidels! I’m never stealing anything from them again!’
We fired a warning shot, and then suddenly the Iron-Man fell over on its front. We were just about to run in and grab the a**-hole, when suddenly the suit opened, and out crawled Osama, coughing and cursing…and he managed to run back inside the mansion before any of us could manage to gather our senses to shoot at him.
So now, a few of the men and I ran towards the front door, blasted it open with some C4, and went in. What we saw next, shocked us…I still remember it. God…
In the middle of this huge-a** hall, just beneath the marble staircase, was a friggin’ race car, and inside, sat Osama. We pointed our weapons at him, and told him to get out or we would shoot him. You know what he did? The f****er laughed!
And then he said, again in that squeaky little voice, ‘This is a race car, you infidels, I’m outta here!’
He turned the ignition, and the engine roared to life. We were about to shoot him straight in the head, when suddenly the car lurched forward, and started moving…at something like…five miles an hour.
The last words that we heard Osama say as he crawled past us in that ‘race-car’, before we shot the sick bas**** were, ‘Damn those infidels, this is a car?’
And then, BANG!”

Pvt. E.F. Guy asked us if we knew who these ‘infidels’ were, from who Osama had apparently stolen the three things that finally led to his being killed. We told him we didn’t.


But you, dear readers, now do.

You now know the truth behind Osama’s death, and who was really responsible.
Be proud.

RAJKUMAR HIRANI AMIDST NEW CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING TANKI SCENES IN 3 IDIOTS

Although it’s been almost two years since the movie came out, ‘3 Idiots’ just does not seem to be able to free itself of controversy. The latest claim of wrongful and plagiaristic acts by director Rakjumar Hirani comes from a very unlikely source, Thapar University, Patiala.

Some very well placed sources inside the university have shared with us that the legal team at Thapar University is preparing for a very high profile suit against the director. They say that the legal complaint will be against the flagrant and totally uncredited use of the notorious ‘tanki’, a recently declared national monument, in his film, ‘3 Idiots’.

For all those unaware of what it is (shame on you, by the way); the ‘tanki’ is a very beloved landmark at Thapar University, and a source of pride for all those associated with it. The tanki’s rich and colourful history includes many memorable incidents, the first of which occurred almost 35 years ago, when it was first…uh, erected.

In the film, the three protagonists are shown committing vile acts such as drinking, atop the structure.

Roshan ‘Tankiwala’ Yadav, the designer of this historical monument, had this to say about the controversy – ‘Yes, of course I’m with the University on this issue, just look at the movie for god’s sake! Those scenes that are depicted on top of that…monstrous imitation (in the movie) are blasphemous! I had entered the movie hall with my family that day, 2 years ago, like any Indian movie-goer, to be entertained, goddamnit, entertained! And when I saw that my…my tanki had been so flagrantly ripped off in the movie, I was unable to continue to watch and I had to run away, crying, from the theatre…I ran away! Even though we had come in a car, I just ran and ran, and cried and cried I was so shocked! They say they found me two days later at the tanki, lying asleep with one of its pillars in my arms.’

At this point, Mr.Yadav became highly emotional and was unable to continue the interview. He is currently recovering from shock at Thapar University’s own dispensary, where he has been for the last 2 years, within sight of the tanki, under the care of its highly…highly qualified doctors(???).

Rajkumar Hirani looked rather nervous and jittery as we interviewed him about this latest controversy.

‘I…I have no idea what these…people are talking about. I mean…there…there are ‘tanki’s all over India…I mean…ok, so it’s strange that an engineering college happens to have a famous ‘tanki’ as well…but, there are a…I don’t know, please stop asking me all these questions.’ These were the kind of nervous ramblings that we managed to get out of him. He seemed okay for the first few seconds of the interview, and we even had our cameras rolling then, but soon it was apparent that something sinister was going on. Mr.Hirani told us to turn off our cameras if we wanted to continue the interview.

This is all we managed to get.

Well, the facts are out there. If you ask this reporter, I’d say Mr.Hirani, sir, you’re going down!

The decision, but, is now for the courts to make. The Thapar organization, though, has made it pretty clear that they are going to put all their resources into the case. Infact, one rumor suggests that a few of the Thapar swiss bank accounts have been emptied, and assets liquefied as the Thapar organization prepares for the trial of the century.