T.U.-Ready to STORM THE FRONT?

by-Cypher feat. The Storm!


Ms Sheila is definitely hell bent on taking Thapar to new heights!! After numerous controversial decisions, this one is sure to blow the roof off this place! Yes, Thapar is all set for the introduction of a new branch CS16E (Counter Strike 1.6 Engineering) from this academic session.

In Ms Sheila’s words, “I think all of us would agree to the fact that our students are dedicated to Counter Strike more than anything else. People all across India go to KOTA for coaching for various entrance exams, Right! However, if you see closely, In Kota too there are more gaming parlours than there are coaching classes! Padhai k liye 2-3 ghante nahi jagte aur CS k liye nightout marr lete hain!“


The said branch would be open for admissions from this session. For this session AIEEE rankings would be the criteria, however, the next session onwards, it has been proposed to have a separate test CZAT (Condition Zero Aptitude Test). That’s about the admissions. What about the curriculum?

The students of this branch would learn all the basics of the game-all the different maps, weaponries, strategies. The second year would introduce core subjects like AMMO OPTIMIZATION TECHNIQUES, TOTAL FREEZE-TIME MAINTAENANACE, WEAPONS BUYING-NUMERICAL ANALYSIS, and GHOSTING-COMMUNICATION SKILLS. The going gets tougher in the third year with special skills brought to the table in subjects like SURVIVAL MECHANICS, MAP DESIGNING, BOMBING STRATEGICS, and FRAGGING THE FAG. The course would include a 6-month industrial training programme too which would let the students test their mantle against the PROS!! The final year would be all about specializing. Choices would include SNIPE SCIENCES, PISTOL PERFECT, KNOW YOUR KNIFE, and so.


The official announcement would soon be done although the college aspirants are already buzzing with excitement! “Wow! Isn’t that the greatest thing in the world? No learning stupid useless things. Only pure knowledge. Now this is education!” Few of the students already a part of Thapar expressed their desires to forfeit their current branches and start afresh. “I am in 2nd year currently and I don’t know shit about MY branch!! CS is what I want man!!”


However, the parents of the aspiring students are worried about the future scope of this new branch. Ms Sheila called a press conference to address the parents "There have been allegations that criminals have been using CS to practice shooting. Why can’t it be used the other way round!! This branch would give more people the opportunity to serve our nation! The students from this branch will gain technical knowledge about the various aspects of warfare and would be eligible to join the army. So there it goes a branch of engineering to help serve the nation."

Well Ms Sheila surely seems confident about her decisions. All we can say is GO GO GO!

END SEM-TIMEOUTed??

by Cypher

Amidst on-going speculations of revamping the examination system, the university officials have come up with what could very well be a revolutionary change in itself! Yes, the authorities have decided to introduce what they are calling 'Strategic Timeouts’ into the examinations.

"Strategic timeouts is an altogether new concept. ((Really??)) We’ve been thinking of implementing them for a while now. it will totally change the contemporary examination system of our country." said Ms Sheila. However, what exactly are these timeouts?

As the name suggests, timeouts would be a chance for the students and teachers to assess their situation and re-strategize accordingly. Initially we are going to apply them only in the ESTs. The basis of this system is a dynamic question paper. Means, the question paper now will be subjected to change in between the exams! For a three-hour exam, there'll be two timeouts of 2 minute each- one for the teachers and one for the students. The teacher's side timeout will be taken after an hour into the exam. The student's side one will be taken half an hour from the end of the exam.

The teachers, in their timeout can assess how the students have been scoring so far in the exam and thus can make the necessary seating plan changes or if needed, they can introduce some harder questions in the paper to reduce the scoring rate of the students. The students timeout comes in with only half an hour to go; when everyone has had a fair idea of how the paper is, so the students can come together and plan about what would be a good score in that exam. They can talk and plan about their approach from there on. The students will also have an option to change their seating order according to their will during this timeout.

Although the authorities think it’s a great idea, we got a mixed response from the students. An ECE guy said “this is nonsense. If everyone can work together, how am I supposed to score convincing A’s in all subjects! What’ll happen to my 10.0 C.G!!” . Few mechanical guys on the other hand were seen celebrating “fuck yeah bitches!! That’s what we wanted. Everyone to be equally good or bad! We got it now!!” When a few CSE guys were asked, they responded in some code language which we couldn't understand. AML; AML was all the said.(we're still wondering what that must have meant). The Biotech and Chemical people were not available for commenting.(HA! like their response ever made any REAL difference!). The EIC/ELEC people were too busy in and around the electrical labs so they couldn't comment. Although the idea itself is innovative, only time will tell how does it fare when put to test in the real world.

P.S-the authorities have confirmed that they would be called KABIR COMMUNICATIONS Strategic Timeout!

The Missing Hostel - Hostel F

by Cypher

Have you been wondering why there were hardly any new posts from us this last week? Well, we were on our mission to unravel what could be perhaps the mystery of the century! Almost every one of us would have noticed (DUH if you haven’t) that Thapar University has hostels named A,B,C,D,E,G,H,I,J. What happened to F? Why wasn’t a hostel F made? Well, if you think so you ARE WRONG, my friend. A hostel named F was indeed made! Hold your hearts and read on...

It all started in the 1960s soon after the ‘Thapar institute of engineering and technology’ came into existence. Initially 5 hostels, named A-E were used. Now we are all familiar with the Thapar grading system, with grades ranging from A-F, F being the worst. Well it wasn’t the case in the beginning. When it started, E was the worst you could get. However, with the passage of time, the authorities felt that the students who consistently underperformed needed to be punished in some way to motivate them to improve. It was then that the dreaded “F” was introduced. F stood for DETENTION (wow! We didn’t know it was called ‘F’etention). A new building (now known as the old girls hostel) was made. It was the original HOSTEL-F. It wasn’t a hostel off course. It was more of a detention centre. The students who scored below the cut-off marks in a particular subject were said to be given ‘F’ and they had to spend 45 days in the detention centre. It was from here that the term ‘I got an F’ came into usage.

You must be wondering what went on inside this ‘hostel’. Well it was nothing you could have imagined! The defaulters were locked inside the building for 45 days. They were tied down to a central pole in their room for the first 15 days with absolutely no human contact. There were only books in each room. Food was served in the room itself. The students who showed improvement were allowed to stay as such. Those who didn’t, however, were taken to the next stage. The students were made to eat food from Hostel B’s mess FOUR TIMES a day!! It was mandatory to finish the food every time. However this wasn’t half as bad as the third stage!! The students were made to attend lectures (of the subject they got detained in) from 8 to 9 everyday (even on SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS)! And it was mandatory for them to sit on the first bench! 45 days of this grueling treatment later, the students were sent back to their hostels.

This continued for many years. It was finally in March 1980 when the PETA was formed. (??) PETA activists opposed this as “treatment like this is a right of the animals and the animals only! We can’t allow humans to take what’s rightfully theirs from the animals”. It was then that the authorities realized that just RE-teaching the subject and making the students rewrite the exams was way more traumatizing than this. Hence, the current system of ‘summer semester’ was incorporated. Since the hostel was never demolished, the further hostels were named as G, H, I and J. although the building itself has been revamped but many people still claim to have heard the screams of those traumatized souls while passing the building.

Although the management claims that Hostel F was shut down, yet we still hear stories about an underground facility, still running somewhere near the current hostel H. It isn’t a mere co-incidence that the TANKI has become so popular. Stories say that the entrance to the underground building goes from the Tanki’s top itself (does that explain SOMETHING?)! We have been trying to get to the bottom of this (pun) and that’s what kept us busy. Stay tuned for more. We’ll be back as soon as we get something substantial.

Not email, Thapar may launch its own country!!

by Cypher

While the campus is abuzz with reports about Thapar University launching an email service to take on Google’s Gmail, trusted sources inform us that the university is planning a much bigger coup. The University, which has over 100 thousand alumni [citation needed] till date, is all set to launch its own modern republic next week. The institute’s head Ms Sheila would head an interim government in the new republic till inaugural elections are held.

The university has been making headlines ever since Tanki was declared a national monumentand the university’s ‘Team fateh’ took over Volkswagen. (That’s exactly what got us X-men interested in this university!)

In the coming week, every registered student of Thapar, currently or passed out, would receive a mail asking to confirm if they’d like to become the citizen of the new country. If one confirms, he or she would receive his or her passport of the new country, whereas those rejecting the offer would have to apply for “visa” to continue being a student/alumni of the institute.

“Yes, those not willing to join the Thapar Nation will have to pay visa fees (MORE fees?). We’d have different types of visas for different types of people. The teachers and staff will have to apply for business visa, the alumni would have to apply for tourist visa, while those who are still studying will be issued student visa,” informed our source.

Interestingly, since Thapar University doesn’t yet own an independent piece of land in this world, all those who’d become the citizens of the Thapar Nation (TN) would automatically become Non Resident Thaparians (NRTs), and thus may need to apply for visa in their existing countries of residence.

“We are in talks with all the nations of the world to allow NRTs to continue living in their respective countries on immigrant visa or transit visa till we buy land and relocate all our citizens,” the Thapar source said.

“Politics and business is fine, the country would be able to manage them,” says a sociologist“But what about the social aspects? Most students consider MIT as God; they turn to MIT for the best education in technology. Will Thapar allow this practice or consider this as some heretic or traitorous action? What would be the identity of this nation? The ethos? The symbols? Have they thought about these things?” He sounded very cynical.

However, our TU source claimed that all such issues had been discussed intensely within the team before they decided to launch a new country. Our source hinted that the nation would be named THAPARIA (THAPARSTAAN); the song “Amplifier” has been proposed as the national anthem; the TU logo would serve as the flag too; no specific religion, however electrical lab corridor would most likely be declared the place to worship.

The not-so-cynical experts believe that the Thapar Nation would be a runaway success and would lead to creation of new e-countries, with BITS and IITs most likely to follow suit and pave way for a multipolar but vibrant world. “The real problem would be when companies like Chitkara follow suit; it will create failed countries that might give rise to recession and terrorism,” warned an expert.

The Indian PM when asked on whether it will affect India as a country said, “Well it’s their choice. Although a formation of a new nation won’t affect India that much. The only sad part is that now the tanki which has been our national monument for so long and has brought us pride will no longer be with us”.

Coffee with Cypher: FutureFake

Another post of FutureFake
by Cypher

31st august 2056



It was a snowy day as usual (the ice age begun in 2049) in Patiala as we reached the premises of currently the greatest educational institution in India and the world too perhaps- Thapar University. Many would agree that the sole credit of this goes to the head of the institute Ms Sheila. She was assigned to this post back in the time when the university was in a rebuilding phase and has been rock solid at it since then. We decided to interview this great leader herself in person. Here are some excerpts from the interview:

• FNT: Firstly, thank you mam for giving us few minutes of your precious time. You must be a busy woman. So, tell us mam such a long time on this post, how does it feel?

SHE: Well when I came to this post, WHAT IN THIS WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!(pointing at the female journalist in our team) DON’T YOU KNOW BOYS AND GIRLS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE WITH EACH OTHER INSIDE THE CAMPUS!WE CALL THIS OFF!THIS IS GROSS INDISCIPLINE!

It took us 15 minutes to pacify her. The female journalist was asked to wait outside as we continued..

SHE: Well when I came to this post, I had only one goal: to take this institution to a level where parents would dream their child to study! Now when I look back I think I did a good job!

• FNT: we assure you, you did. Every parent DREAMS that. (What with the sky rocketing fees, it can be nothing more but a dream to get admission here!). But such a long time. Did you never think of quitting or moving on?

SHE: well frankly not at all! I mean I love my job. Moreover, the fact that we never get our salaries before at least a one year-delay so that kind of eliminates any chances of us quitting.

• FNT: an incident that we are sure everyone remembers about this university is the 2012 apocalypse. This university was the only thing that stood unharmed after the tsunami waves hit Punjab. How did that come about?

SHE: well it was 2 am when the tsunami waves reached here. As you know, I had made it a rule that entry from the main gate is closed at 10pm (10 30 in case of emergencies). The tsunami waves were no exception. A RULE IS A RULE. I was personally present at the gate to deny them admission. Entering at 2 am is not just carelessness. IT IS GROSS INDISCIPLINE.

• FNT: WHOA! What do we say to that! That is some serious superhero stuff! People also talk about how you revolutionized the punishment system. Can you tell us a bit about that?

SHE: well those were my early days when I first came up with this idea. The defaulters when caught would quite conveniently say that they did not have their ID cards with them. To mark these students, I would click a picture of their in my I-phone with their name and roll no. soon the collection of pics was so huge that it was impossible to store them any further in my phone’s 8GB memory. Therefore, I started uploading them on Facebook and anyone who helped us tag those pics was promised a reward. Soon we had a huge database of all the defaulters and thus it became easy for us to recognize anyone.

• FNT: that is just shear genius! And mam would you like to tell us something more about…that boys and girls thing you mentioned earlier?

SHE: well it is a simple rule. BOYS AND GIRLS are not allowed to be together in the campus unless ofcourse if you are registered as kins which obviously needs a affidavit and a personal confirmation by their parents! moreover now when you have interaction in the hostels, why do you need to create scenes in public ! NOT IN THE CAMPUS!!i won’t tolerate this GROSS INDISCIPLINE!!

• FNT: ........ well this year also marks the 100th anniversary of this university. What are the plans for that?

SHE: well ya. This year fortunately marks the 50th anniversary of our techfest ARANYA as well! An extravagant show awaits all of us. For the first, time ever, the legend himself: RAJNIKANTH would be performing on stage! (Rajnikanth, turning 106 this year recently returned from a world tour to promote his movie ROBOT-43) also, the female singing sensation, JUSTIN BIEBER would become the first international artist to perform in any of our fests. She is not the only performer though. We are in talks with many others. You’ll just have to wait.

• FNT: ........what about your future plans, mam?

SHE:well we are already one of the best university in this world.. but i want this university to be a known name in the whole universe! it has lately been a trend that many of our students go to mars after their schools get over for further studies. i want this university to provide education that is up to the level of mars.


The university sure seems to be throwing up a blast for the 100th anniversary. This was Ms Sheila herself talking to us for the first time. We hope you got your questions about this amazing person answered. we wish her all the best in all her future endeavors. Love her or hate her, she’s here to stay.

Cell-Phone Lovers - Rejoice!

by Cypher

"Kya aap bhi apna mobile recharge kara kara ke pareshaan hain?"

"Are recharges eating away a good part of your pocket money too?"

Well, good news for all of you then! You won't have to pay anymore for your recharges!

Yes, you've read it right! In what could be an astonishing leap of faith, IDEA cellular co. and our University's very own Kabir Communications has agreed to launch the 'Recharge nahi FREEcharge' service. Sunil bhaiya of Kabir Communications says 'Ab normally ek banda hafte mein atleast Rs 200 ka recharge karwa leta hai. Aap dekhein to Rs 1000 per month to phone pe hi kharcha ho jata hai, isiliye idea walo ne ye scheme shuru karne ki sochi hai. Bas aap Thapar ke student hain to apne ID-card se Idea ka naya sim lena padega."

But what exactly is the scheme?

Says a beaming Idea executive who was present at the launching event, "Well we have launched it on a trial basis for now. Its simple. Convince us why you deserve the free recharges, and we'll pay for your recharges!".

Well isn't that enticing? Rightly so, there was a long queue at Kabir communications on the launching event. Most of the enthusiasts were guys. A guy waiting for his turn said "Bhaiya girlfriend kya banayi khaane ke laale pad gaye! I have to endure the mess food just 'coz I don't have money left to eat outside! I really need the FREEcharge!" although there were hardly any girls queuing up for the SIMs, there were some happy faces in the girls camp too!

"Yay! Now our boyfreinds can save their money to give us better gifts"!

Well! We'll have to wait and see what the outcomes of this 'noble' move by IDEA will be. For those of you who still don't have an idea whether to buy this or not, we'll just say

GET IDEA!! ;)

Coffee Shake: Fact or Fable?

by The Cypher

Introducing a new weekly column, FutureFake! Make sure you come back every Monday to read our insights of the future

21st July 2056

The Thapar University Alumni Association is hosting the TU Global Meet 2056 in Patiala from August 7-9. This conference will bring together world leaders and organizations with the theme “Transforming Society, Enterprises and Academia through Innovation.” The event, which also celebrates the 100th anniversary of the university, provides a powerful platform for shaping international relations, with over 1,000 attendees from multiple countries.

“From small beginnings, and a deep belief in access to education, from a handful of schools and colleges to the present day with over 300 thousand alumni, across 80 countries the university is quickly becoming a global brand representing excellence in the engineering, science and arts,” said Mr. S.S.S Duvvuri, Director, Thapar University, Patiala.

A question that was on everybody's mind though was if the university would finally throw some light on perhaps the most debated question that has encircled this university since almost 50 years. "Did COFFEE SHAKE really exist?". "Off course not. Doesn't it sound stupid enough that something like that could have existed in those times?" said the director when asked about it. However when Mr Rishabh Narang (currently the G.M. of Ferrari Motors, India), a Thapar alumnus from the 2012 batch, himself was asked the same question, he said "Hell yeah, it is true! I was one of the few lucky Thaparians to actually have tasted the legendary coffee shake. It was an irreplaceable part of our daily dietary routine." He is currently here to showcase Ferrari's new launch - The hatchback 'Ferrari 4u'.

Coffee shake, as the name suggests was a cold coffee variant which as the story goes was the innovative idea of a Thapar student himself in early 2000s. The drink soon became an outrage and was at one time the favorite of every Thapar student. It is said that this drink soon became the envy of the other shop owners. They along with the Thapar authorities issued a lifetime ban on the drink. It is still unclear as to what were the reasons for which the authorities banned it but what followed was the greatest uprising in the university's history, with the students opposing this decision. However it soon died with the passing out of students. The new students off course weren't even aware of the fact that they had just missed upon on what could have been an experience of a lifetime. The stories kept circulating but the T.U authorities never agreed if any of this was true.

And thus the coffee shake became one of the many 'myths' that people talk about. Believers still say it is all true. Well it is upto you to decide who you really believe!