The Truth Behind who REALLY Killed Osama

by Mystique

This is perhaps the biggest story to have ever come out of FNT. Also perhaps, the most shocking.
We have debated amongst ourselves, our team at Faking News, whether it is indeed right to publish this story or not, and after intense discussions, we believe that the world deserves to know what really happened in Abbottabad, Pakistan on Sunday evening.
We managed to get hold of one of the US-Navy SEALs who were in the fortified compound that Bin Laden was hiding in, that fateful evening. And we managed, after much persuasion to get the truth about the events of that night.
What we found out, shocked us.
What you are about to read, may disturb you. Proceed with caution.

Okay, first a little back-story.
Almost exactly a year ago, in June of last year to be precise, a robbery occurred at TU’s Patiala campus…a robbery so daring, so epic in scale that the authorities made sure no word of it got out. But we, at FN, amazing journalists as we are, managed to fish out some details.
What was reported stolen the morning after the robbery were three things-
1. An early prototype of the Iron-Man suit from the ECE department.
2. A very, very old generator from one of the labs in the Electrical Engg. Department.
3. The first of the ‘super-fast race cars’ (???) from the Team Fateh garage.
The significance of that robbery has only now come to light.

Read on, dear reader…read on.

US-Navy SEAL Pvt. E.F.Guy had this to say when we persisted on asking him about the events of Sunday evening – (Please excuse the profanities, these are his exact words…)
“Well, a few mates and I were just going out on a joy-ride that night on one of the new Black Hawks our base had just got. We were flying over this huge mansion thingy…well you know, we thought it was just some Sheikh…well anyway, we were flying over this mansion, when suddenly all the lights went out in the compound. A few seconds later, we saw this old dude run out of the front door, hands flailing about in the air, screaming hysterically! We later found out that these guys were using an old…old generator they’d stolen from some…university somewhere, to power the compound, and the old thing had finally died. Well, so this guy is running around in circles beneath us, still screaming out in Arabic…and you know, I remembered this intel report I’d read on Osama Bin Laden…it said he was deathly afraid of the dark. So we flashed a floodlight down at him. Needless to say, that old geezer was Osama Bin *****ng Laden himself. He was wearing pink pajamas, I should tell you…that struck me as odd.
We immediately drew our weapons, and the pilot maneuvered to land the chopper. Osama-fag must have realized who we were, because he suddenly ran back inside the mansion, his pink pajamas flapping around in the wind.
We landed, immediately took flanking positions, and waited…we must’ve waited for like ninety seconds, thinking of our next move, when suddenly the front door crashed open and out came a friggin’ Iron-Man suit! But it wasn’t all cool like in the movie, it was creaking, and sparking, and smoke was coming outta it’s a**, that thing was ugly. So this Iron-Man thing takes two steps towards us, and then seizes up, and we hear Osama’s squeaky little voice from inside saying, ‘Damn those infidels! I’m never stealing anything from them again!’
We fired a warning shot, and then suddenly the Iron-Man fell over on its front. We were just about to run in and grab the a**-hole, when suddenly the suit opened, and out crawled Osama, coughing and cursing…and he managed to run back inside the mansion before any of us could manage to gather our senses to shoot at him.
So now, a few of the men and I ran towards the front door, blasted it open with some C4, and went in. What we saw next, shocked us…I still remember it. God…
In the middle of this huge-a** hall, just beneath the marble staircase, was a friggin’ race car, and inside, sat Osama. We pointed our weapons at him, and told him to get out or we would shoot him. You know what he did? The f****er laughed!
And then he said, again in that squeaky little voice, ‘This is a race car, you infidels, I’m outta here!’
He turned the ignition, and the engine roared to life. We were about to shoot him straight in the head, when suddenly the car lurched forward, and started moving…at something like…five miles an hour.
The last words that we heard Osama say as he crawled past us in that ‘race-car’, before we shot the sick bas**** were, ‘Damn those infidels, this is a car?’
And then, BANG!”

Pvt. E.F. Guy asked us if we knew who these ‘infidels’ were, from who Osama had apparently stolen the three things that finally led to his being killed. We told him we didn’t.


But you, dear readers, now do.

You now know the truth behind Osama’s death, and who was really responsible.
Be proud.