Shit Happens

by Cyclops

Is that a bird? Is that a plane? Nah, not superman, this guy is bigger and one of Thapar’s most unique creations. 2011 saw Marvel showcase so many superheroes at once to set the stage for Avengers, coming out July 2012 consisting of a all the previous characters! The same two years saw the rise of a wild creature at our University’s campus. This mysterious guy is rumoured to be a resident of the East block of Hostel-J. However his name still remains a mystery. 

Early 19th morning, the first incident of this mystery man came to limelight when human faeces were found in a cluster in hostel-J. One of the residents managed to contact the top news reporting company at Thapar (We’re back!) and we exclusively managed to get this story just for our beloved readers!

After all the research work and combination of multiple words of mouth, this is what we managed to make of the night: [Throw up alert. DO NOT read if you feel pukish] Apparently, this tatti-man used polybags to excrete and pack his own waste after which he walked from his cluster in the east wing to the west wing. After finding his target cluster, he threw all the waste right in the corridor of the cluster at around 2-3 in the night when everybody was asleep, home or passed out (Remember, the ESTs just ended).

Early next morning when the guard came by the cluster he puked his guts out on seeing the disgusting sight, enraged at the loss of the liqour he had managed to earn last night he blamed the inmates. After a long argument he realized that nobody would possibly shit in his own room. 

The tatti-man thus managed to survive his first run. Who is this tatti-man? If you know him contact 9780696733 and let everybody know. Or just type it on FNT’s wall. Till then we’re all just sitting duck’s to this tatti-man and when he strikes/shits on you, it wouldn’t be as funny. So join the ATF, the anti-tatti force now and stay connected with people who know how to deal with shit!

 



PS - This actually happened,

PPS - Or maybe it didnt,
PPPS- We dont fake!

Sabretooth's Part(y)ing Letter!

Team FNT (or whatever is left of it): This is the letter written by Sabre which we found in the morning in the debris when we woke up. No sign of Sabre, Mystique and Lance anywhere! How did he write in such a state or where did he find such a parchment; we have no idea. We are further at a loss of words as to what could have prompted them to opt for such a path (especially Lance since he and Cyph were inseparable). Nevertheless we are still hopeful about them returning to us. The brotherhood and X-Men will be back as one again. Meanwhile Team FNT will be taking a break until the group re-unites. We thank you all for your dedicated enthusiasm that fueled our passions to provide you with news

TU - The 'Temple' of Education?

Another entry from FN Mail

by ArchAngel

The world famous Thapar University often regarded as the ‘Temple of Education’ is facing yet another controversy. It seems that after the Sree Padmanabhaswamy Temple, the SC has set its eyes on TU vaults.

The SC order had recently asked for a probe and audit of the vaults in the Kerala temple which exposed the temple’s vast riches, of over 100,000 Crores, suggesting it to be the richest Temple in the world. Now, however the SC aims to find a temple even richer. Yes, my friends! It is none other than our own TU, the quintessential temple of Education.

When confronted, Ms. Shiela retorted, “Well, I am sure the SC would not be so naïve and nescient in giving such directions; and even if they have done that, I must say TU has an absolutely clear conscience. Everything we do is completely accounted for. Therefore, we have nothing to worry.”

I stood there puzzled mulling over the words I had just heard. Somehow they weren’t making much sense to me. I saw her shifting her weight (probably planning a getaway) and hastily tried another approach towards my information gathering.

“Ma’am I have here a few accusations from some members of a certain group that goes by the name of FBA. They need their answers!” I said trying to retain her attention.

“FBA?? What is it? Some new party or something? I thought after JUP and TUCHEs they might give it a break! What is this some Punjab University or something?!”

I braced myself and continued with my questionnaire, “ In the short span of 55 years TU has made so much money that the other colleges have termed us the Chanakya of money laundering. What do you have to say in defense?”

“Absolutely baseless! Chanakya was a great administrator. Whereas we as a part of the academic body here are fed up of the administration of this college.” She stated plainly.

“Er….. That wasn’t my point!”

“Then when are you going to make one? Next Saturday?!”

“Well….er…. what about the tons of money from the development fees and then the extra- cofferfilling with the transportation fees, the parking fees, the medical fees, and a lot many other fees. This year the college went a step further by hiking the hostel fees so much that the room rent in hostel J could give the finest hotels in Patiala a run for their money. Any comments?!”

She laughed a little and said , “Well, that can be easily answered! And my answer is ‘No comments!’ So if I have answered all these questions of yours please excuse me I have better jobs to do.”

Having said that she went away on those high heels of hers with a head held high and even in the face of a probe by the SC, queries and complaints of students received the same treatment that they have been receiving since times immemorial.

Deaf Ears!

Wonder boy gets us ticket to MIT

by Cyclops

The prestigious American University, that is the dream of every engineer today announced direct admission for students of Thapar University. It has been reported that some of the top Universities from the USA, including the likes of Stanford, Harvard, Yale contacted TU to establish a direct admission program. After repeated rounds of discussions through a Hangout (Yes, on Google+, its a video conference application that supports multiple users). The BOD from all these colleges did a hangout and finally the deal was signed between TU and MIT.
You might be wondering why did all of this happen? Well, a Thapar University student triggered this. Our very own Rishabh Narang, the wonder boy took the GRE today morning and got a perfect score of 1600. The ETS were shocked to find an Indian boy making a mockery out of the examination by getting no answers wrong. Also known as 'Naranger', the wonder boy is now the talk of the town. His phone is engaged since the very minute he left the examination center. Reports have suggested that a number of fine American Universities are contacting him even as you read!

This line that is common amongst his friends could be Horlicks's new tagline, 'Taller, stronger, NARANGER!' In addition to this, boy wonder's photo has already been published in today's Mumbai Mirror with 5 institutes including Career Launcher claiming 'Naranger' to be their student. Nonetheless, Naranger achieved it inspite of being in Thapar (pun intended). We shall remind you how FNT has always been supportive of this talented young boy. Next stop, the GM of Ferrari!

Looks like we all Thapar University students owe Narang big time for opening this direct channel to MIT. Thank you wonder boy!

Summer Angst and Anshans!!

by Sabretooth

(Based on an idea sent by Navendu Garg)

With what can be termed as a surprising turn of events, we (in our comfy and cool rooms at our places) have been provided with some insider information college regarding the mercury levels about to soar. For a reminder TU at present is home to 2nd year Mechanical students along with some unfortunate E2D walas (all following the principles of C2D from Five Point Someone), some trainees from other branches (LOL) and distance education senior citizens primarily. Reports suggest that students at Thapar were becoming highly restless because of various problems and grievances. Trouble, which usually lurks around corners of Patiala, knocked at the doors of TU…… Again!

Students are planning a massive college-wide “Anshan” to protest against the brutalities of their stay at college in the summers. Inspired from the ideology of Baba Ramdev and Che Guevara alike, along with being motivated by revolutions going all around the world, these students thought it was high time they did something productive and worthwhile so that the future generations at Thapar could engrave their names in gold in their hearts (the one available in the market is damn costly). Students have joined hands and are calling themselves “Thapar University Che’s” – TUCHEs in short.

In a one-to-one interview with the representative body of TUCHEs comprising of two elected Mech. 2nd year students, an E2D aggrieved, a Faffa champ and (a surprising entry in the form of) Gunny Nescafe. One of the mech. guys started, “Seven morning to two in the afternoon, we are in that grueling workshop making those goddamn things which they throw away with disdain. After that a mere fan greeting your arrival is not enough. It’s so goddamn hot. We need f**cking A/C’s man!”

A huge roar of approval met these words from the large gathering standing around the table. For a moment we sat a little taken aback before resuming. Meanwhile the E2D TUCHE representative was all tearful – “They have passed a new rule according to which if an E is not cleared once it gets converted into an F. I mean common man! There are some of us with 5,6 E’s. How are we supposed to finish our degrees in 4 years? I am picking up this E a 2nd time. Wouldn’t it be better if they give us marks the first time only? I mean, what are they going to do with these excess marks! This whole system is absurd! We are going to bring it down. ” Sympathetic sighs all over. Eagerly waiting for a reply from Faffa champ over this, we turned towards him with anticipation only to meet a blank grinning face – “Later! Am high! But I agree with whatever has been said and are going to say”.

Wondering what does Gunny Nescafe has to gain from this we looked over at him. Jumping on the cue to talk (like he always does) he goes into his own sad story – “Mera bi bura haal hai. Pehle hi bache kam hai. Upar se na koi maggi leta hai na ice-teas. Fir inka ye and-shand (“Anshan” whispered the 2nd year)…han Anshan … upar se kiraya itna! Main to sadak pea a jayunga. Jaldi se inki maange poori karwa ke business ko line pe lana hai”

Determined faces and rock solid intentions were facing me from all sides (though a few might have been under the influence of ‘Joint Accounts’). Having accumulated masses to their cause through social networking sites, they seem to be quite confident at bringing the desired changes that they think are necessary in a progressive education institution. They have fixed the date of Anshan for 3rd July, Sunday. Let us see what happens. As for us at FNT, we wish them luck with their endeavors.

“Long live the revolution!”

TMDb for our TUllywood !!

-by Havok

Just when we begin to think that Ms. Sheila, with her efforts, has made Thapar an ideal institution for Gen-X (..and that includes us too, mutants with Gene-X!!), she does something uberawesome and surprises us. Here she has done exactly that, again!! After the announcement of CS1.6E branch, here is another news that will surely blow your heads off. Get set for Thapar’s own Movie database Website which is to be launched shortly. No kidding this time! Here you can Check it Out for yourself.

Is is being said that the site has been modelled after the famous website IMDb(Internet Movie Database) in terms of look and feel.

Sources say that she had to take this decision mainly due to the efforts of a certain third year student Prabhdeep aka Harry who reportedly was hellbent on “liking” each and every page of IMDb. Such was his dedication for his work that even the administration couldn’t ignore him for long. In Ms. Sheila’s words, “I went through the facebook profile of this Mechanical student, he has liked a gazzilion pages on IMDb. In addition to the regular Hollywood flicks, he has watched…wait!! I’m not so sure of that!!..he has LIKED foreign language cult classics like Der Utergang, Amorres Perros, El secreto de sus ojos and even Afhreigfkof, Tkflregfegf and Hjfifhuyfdjier. All this made me want to do something for these type of “Vehle Mechancheez” and here is the result.”

Not only Harry, there are many other people who have been a part of the Movie Revolution in Thapar since last couple of years. The number of movies you have watched out of the Top-250 list of IMDb has become a measure of your social status in Thapar(..by this I mean the number of friends you have on Facebook). Come the Elixirs and the Acumens and you can see almost everybody roaming around in the campus with a DSLR camera in one hand and a tripod in the other and more often than not, he is accompanied by a guy with an I-HAVE-NO-REASON-TO-LIVE look on his face.

While the 2nd,3rd and 4th year was always into this movie-making thing, we saw promising talent among the actors of one 1st year movie before they......well....you know! ;) And the PG students...okay, lets leave them out of it.

In order to justify her decision to the owners of Avantha Group, Ms. Sheila even went on to compare TUllywood and Hollywood. She said that Thapar has made a mark in every discipline related to movies be it Short Films, Parodies or Silent Movies, it has given blockbusters like Heart of Darkness, emotional dramas like The Last Milestone and evergreen hits like Crossroads. The awards given away to the actors and directors at the literary fests are in no way less than the Oscars or the Golden Globes.

And to add to all this, TUllywood has found its own superstars in people like Sourav Bangotra, Suresh Malhotra, Manu Madaan, Aman Aggarwal, Rishav Rastogi, Harman Sandhu and the most recent one Paah…Err…SIR Paahul Sikand. With the recent movie Godse:Assassin(..the one that made a mark in Mood-I, but failed to impress local audiences. No girls in the cast you see..), the musical talent of Utkarsh Prabhat has come to the forefront. They all even have their own fan pages on Facebook with the likes comparable to that on the pages of hollywood legends. To become the next Karan Kantoor or Anubhav Saxena is the dream of every fresher.

Even though there has never been a dearth of acting or directing talent in Thapar and it has been winning movie-making competitions in other institutes as well, it is expected to scale new heights now that the juniors have icons to look up to and their own database at their disposal. We, at FNT just have one thing to say to them, “May the force be with you!!”.

Moving towards a 'Khush Dil' Punjab?

by Cyclops

Rumour mills at Thapar are abuzz with talks about a current student, Sandhu deciding to launch his own political party. Sandhu believes that a man at 83 does not have the right to rule a state and the generation gap is causing much vexation to the majority younger generation crowd of Punjab. The big question is which of the Sandhu's will head this party? Reports have confirmed that there is a major possibility of a joint venture to ensure full control over Punjab, their motherland.

Let me introduce you to the two commander-in-chiefs. Amrinder and Khushdil, the Sandhu bros'. The Sandhu' brothers have been disappointed in the government since a very long time. Also I should add here that they have been disappointed with Thapar ever since they joined. Many such factors motivated them to take this step towards a better state.

With a trip down south, in the land of Telangana, Amrinder Singh was a man on a mission. No, not Capt. Amrinder Singh, I'm talking about Amrinder Singh Sandhu. Oh yes, it is believed that he chose to do his 6 month training at Hyderabad, with main focus on learning the strategies of the Telangana fighters. He will return to Punjab tomorrow and the rumours have spread like fire all across Punjab about the dawn of a new warrior, the birth of a savior, a Nigga, a Red Devil, one with expertise from another state. I wouldn't talk too much about his strategies as that might land me into some trouble.

Moving on to how this all started, as a kid he was influenced a lot by the Niggas and western culture. He grew up listening to Dr Dre, 50 cent, 2pac, DMX, Ice Cube, etc. On the other hand, KD the other brother was accidentally dropped into a matka of ghee [citation needed] when he was a baby, giving him immense strength which motivated him to take up a career in boxing. They say the kinda ghee he was dropped in, even Obelix would envy him!

Every day as a child he would think about changing the government. Finally, he took a step, united with his brother, and is now on the verge of forming a new party. Additionally Havok and Cypher managed to dig out information regarding the other major members of the party in development.

Harkirat - A trained sniper from Prague
Grewal - The All-India topper (AIR 1) of the CZAT
Navjot - The Punjabi Karate Kid
Gill sab - Party da 'Role Model'
SS Dhillon - Political Advisor
NGH - Requested no title
Romana - Senior advisor

The initial strategy is believed to focus on winning the two important constituencies. For the same, Amrinder Singh will battle Amrinder Singh for the Patiala constituency expecting full support from Patiala. While, KD will battle for the Bhatinda constituency against the SAD.

Jatt United Party, thats one possibility of what they might call themselves. Check out the logo and flag!

Support the JUP by clicking here (if you want to live) -

TU Does a DU

by Sabretooth

In a bizarre turn of events the admission process at Thapar came under direct fire from various sources when, taking a leaf out of Delhi University’s little stunt, the academic front of TU decided to raise the level of AIEEE Cut-Offs required for admission into batch 2011-12. Reports say that if the college strictly follows the Cut-Offs they have set for this year’s admission, even Biotech would get filled by AIR 14000. That would make the top branches at Thapar one of the most sought after courses in the country, surpassing even the likes of IIIT Hyderabad, BITS Pilani, NIT Trichy and even some IITs

Er…… That was what the reports claimed. Now for some reality check!

If the statistics from the last three years are observed, we find some major anomalies in the otherwise projected expectations. Year 2008 saw the Cut-Offs suffering a minor setback with branches accommodating students at ranks with which they might not have secured seats had they been in the competition a year before (much to the relief of those who had applied). CS went till about AIR 9K, ECE till AIR 10K, Mech/EIC – 14K, EE – 17, CIV – 18, CHEM – 20 and BIOTECH – 35. Comes year 2009 batch and the charts are singing a different story altogether. CS – 17k, ECE – 18K, Mech – 20K, EIC – 23 and so forth with BIOTECH till 60K I think. To add to it Thapar passed an educational reform according to which the students of the same branch started classes with the branch from the 1st year only, instead of the mixed batch system prevalent in the previous years, thus KLPDing the Mechanchees (though they got their reason to smile a few days later). So technically speaking the college had suffered academically and now the new reform was meant to make it suffer socially as well. Similar dwindling stats support my argument for the year that came next as well. It is rumored that some seats went vacant and got filled by the December Test (another educational reform) introduced by Thapar the previous session.

During a brainstorming session, 29% chose “increasing fees” as the root cause of the falling Cut-Offs. The rest did not want to sound cheap and hence opted for safer ones like management (though I never figure out what this one always means), Placements, Campus green cover, etc.

During an interview when we asked about the agenda behind such a move, while quoting the above said stats, someone very high up from the Thapar Mechanical faculty quoted – “Dekhiye ji, such decisions are not based upon mere data and statistics like number of applicants, College Fees, Placement records, etc. Sometimes you have to go with the gut factor. Unke mann mein aaya, unhone cut-offs set kar diye. Hum log pichle saal bhi waise hi padate the, is saal bhi waise hi padayenge. Khali reh gyi seats, tab bi classes to humein leni hi hongi. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to UFC for my daily Cardios.” We stood there gaping at his answer while he kick started his scooter and zoomed away. Only when he crossed the T- Point did we realize that his words could have been sarcastic as well. Turns out teachers are as equally fed up with these annual changes in the student admission procedures.

In view of all these facts it becomes a little hard to digest how would they manage to fill their seats without students applying for the same. When this info reached the ears of the honorable HRD minister Mr. Kapil Sibal he raised his hands in exasperation, rolled his eyes and said – “First DU now TU. I agree Jairam has praised their faculty and everything but this is the limit. I think they are taking his words very seriously even though we in the cabinet don’t” – laughing at his joke before continuing – “but now that this has been brought to my attention I think I would have a chat with them as well. Though I highly doubt they would stick to it. They never do.”

On an ending note I would like to comment on the futility of it all. SRCC is the top college for commerce in the country with about every one of the lakhs of aspirants vying for its limited number of seats. To add to it the college fees is under Rs 10,000 (Annually :P) whereas we are about to scale even greater heights with the new session. So unless the college sets its priorities right – Pupils or Paise – it is highly unlikely that they would achieve success with the Cut-Offs that they have set.

YOUR B.TECH MIGHT JUST BE GETTING SEXIER…

by Mystique

In a very welcome and long awaited move, the UGC announced last Thursday that ‘Sex Education’ would become mandatory teaching at all engineering institutions, across the country.
There had previously been heated debates in the parliament, as well as in the UGC as to whether there was any need to introduce this very controversial aspect of education at an undergraduate level.
But when a delegation from the Sex Education Execution Committee (or SEXC for short) visited a reputed north Indian engineering college (you know which one!), they were, in their own words, ‘goddamn f*&^ing shocked!’
One of the anthropologists, a Mr.Ramalingam had this to say, ‘I’d heard reports before, on how bad the situation was in our country’s engineering colleges, but frankly, I’d never expected this. To be very honest, I’ve seen pieces of toast with more sexual maturity than these engineers.’
While Mr. Ramalingam’s questionable breakfast habits might be the subject of some other FNT story, we just had to know more about this. When we prodded Mr.Ramalingam to further explain his very hardened stance against the engineers, he responded by saying, ‘Well let me explain it to you this way – during our routine surveys among the students, we interact with them regarding matters of a er…well, a sexual nature. And so, when we talked to the girls, we really couldn’t get a straight answer out of them because any time we mentioned the word “sex”, they invariably responded by breaking into an uncontrollable fit of giggles and extreme blushing.”
‘And the boys?’ we probed further.
Mr. Ramalingam straightened up and continued, ‘Well, with the boys, as soon as we mentioned that we were from the Sex Education Execution Committee, they would all invariably lose their train of thought at the word “sex” and then just say something like, “Sex? Where?!”
So as you can see, the situation is very messed up.’
When we talked to some of the students ourselves about this development, the question on most of their lips was, ‘What will be the Lecture-Tutorial-Practical distribution?!’
Clearly, the situation IS messed up and calls for immediate intervention and rectification.
We, at FNT, salute the SEXC, and wish them the very best of luck in their rollout of this very ambitious and important plan.

'V' Find(s) a New Launchpad

by Lance Alvers

Talk about ‘glitterati’ and ‘literati’ coming together, and we have it for you, the latest news coming your way from the happening campus will surely blow your heads off. I am glad it’s me who will be credited for the vivification of this story for years to come. And I am sure after reading this post most of the agnostics out there will turn into ardent worshippers. (Will be running to planet “APHRODISIACUS” just in case it fails to make an impact, well the name of the planet is quite suggestive of what it has to offer)

Music channels in India have this knack of making the headlines on a regular basis for pulling off some weird stuff but this one is off the charts. The crew of Channel [V] (India), the international music channel of fox entertainment will be setting up a transient camp in Thapar, next semester. What will leave you even more gob smacked is the rationality behind this move. The CEO of [V], Mr. Sudhanshu Sarongwala told us that more than 80% of the registration forms for primarily two of their television show namely “dare to date” and “axe your ex” were filed by students from the college which was recently in news for making it to number 17 in the all India engineering college rankings on yahoo news. (And I thought it is only us who fake on such a large scale) If you go by statistic, on an average in India 3 out of 4 couples split within a year of getting into the relationship but here in thapar the statistics are shocking, 80% fail to make it past two months, 15 % call it off in the same semester and if you happen to be lucky and get to celebrate your first yearly anniversary then you form the elite 0.001%. Let’s not get into stats digging too much because statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. (One of my favorite one liner, had to fit this one, any which way in this post) BTW looking at the potential “Axe you ex” can find in this place, they can easily carry on for a decade more.

If 90% of the people around you use Omegle, and the rest 10% are on 2mingle, loveawake or cupid then rest assured that you are in TU. That’s the level of desperateness which makes the producers of Dare to date believe that even after ruthlessly tormenting the Indian audience for over two years they still have a lot left. “ I am a man on a mission, kids like these make me realize that I need to give a lot back to the society, these people they need me, they expect something from me, We won’t give them Teds , we‘ll give them Barneys. No soul shall walk out the gates of this campus without going out for a date.”, said the enthusiastic director of the show.

We managed to catch this mechanical student in the workshop who apparently was swifter texting on his touch screen phone than on the filthy job at hand. He replied back as if venting out all his years of frustration ,”finally we’ll have an equal opportunity, people will no longer get girls just coz they shared the same subgroup in the first year, IMDB accounts won’t do now, neither those short library teaching sessions with girls. Ab to hum log mauke pe chauka marenge, aane do [V] walo ko.”

The campus was never as jubilated as it is now, the toothed smiles on the boys’ faces is enviable. Even the thought of spotting the denizens from heaven is rattling. They feel that 2 years of hard work and a million bucks has finally paid off. The catchphrase around seems to be, “[V] can surely pull it off”.

Smells like a 'keen' spirit!

By Havok

While on one hand he has become the worldwide trending topic on Twitter; newspapers and Bollywood magazines are abuzz with reports confirming that Sonu Nigam, India's very own rockstar (Yess...that is what he claims to be!!) is starting his own Hard-rock band to be called “NIRVAAN”, we at FNT have been informed by some trusted sources that this golden boy of Indipop is 'keen' on having the first public performance of the band in the University premises.

Shocked?

Yeah, even we were, but we have managed to dig out full information regarding this. It all actually started in 1988 when Sonu, accompanied by his father visited Thapar for an event organized by SPICMACAY and he saw American rock band “NIRVANA” performing for the first time. It is said that young Sonu was totally floored by the the band’s performance. When we asked about the incident from him, Mr. Agam Kumar Nigam, beaming with happiness replied, “It was about two decades back but each moment of that night is still inscribed in my mind, I haven’t seen Sonu happier, he was so ecstatic to see Kurt Cobain sing that he ran his way up the stage and started headbanging to Smells like teen spirit. Since then, he has considered him as his Guru and Thapar as place that is holiest of the holies. Even when we came back from Patiala, that was the only song that could be heard in our home for the next many years but then, that eventful day came..” Controlling his emotions, visible shaken Mr. Kumar continued “..the day when Cobain left for his heavenly abode, its it then that he decided that he’ll start his own rock band someday and will call it “Nirvaan” as a tribute to the great band and its great vocalist and the first public performance of the band would take place at Thapar only.”

Our sources say that Sonu is quite nervous on how Ms. Sheila will react to his offer because he is aware of the weird decisions she has been taking recently.

While some students are going crazy to see his performance, many are criticizing his decision of forming a rock band. When asked for his opinion on this news, a final year student, apparently a big Anu Malik fan replied, “Unchi hai building, lift teri band hai, band banaane chala hai, saale ki buddhi mand hai.”

But who knows, if all goes well, we might be the lucky(??) ones to be the audience to the first ever performance of this first Indian hardrock band.

TU Says ADIOS PATIALA!

by Sabretooth

Having gone undercover for the past many weeks in search for some deep rooted information from within the core administration, your humble friend had to stay away from the page for a while in order not to blow his cover. Following one lead after another I made contact with Polaris, one of our own who provided FNT with some startling information. In what can be regarded as a revolutionary step for the future of TU and its students – present and those yet to come, the authorities have decided to shift TU headquarters to the newly inaugurated Chandigarh campus of the college. The administration is keen on making a speedy transfer of info and personnel before the new session starts.

The BOG has proposed to better the Chandigarh Campus in all respects and plans to convert the main campus into the sister branch. One of the members of the board was skeptical about it and asked, “But what about the Thapar Plan 2027?” To which the other curtly replied, “Who gives a **** about a cardboard model anyway? We’ll plan the new one on those grounds. Savvy?” Reasons cited for this plan in the top secret report include:

• Competition to PEC (FNT Speaks: Who are they kidding?)
• Better educational opportunities for students (FNT Speaks: We didn’t get what they meant by this one)
• Access to opportunities for students (FNT Speaks: Agreed. Girls in Patiala are hard to come by)
• Proximity to airport (FNT Speaks: WTF??)
• Captain Amrinder Singh (FNT Speaks: Double WTF??)

Most of the contents are still under scanner for better interpretation. We asked our fellow students to give us there opinions on this. Some of the best replies

“Ye kya matlab hua. Ye pichle 2-3 saal se kuch bi kari jaa rahe hai. (Wtf? They are doing anything from the last 2-3 years)”

“Sahi! Bai talent hai Chandigarh mein. Aishhh! (Nice! Chandigarh’s got talent. It’s gonna be fun)

“AML” ( Er……… )

This decision of theirs is bound to meet overwhelming acceptance by most of us at TU. But a few others would surely be worried about the repercussions this might have on the college rankings and placements.

Have faith guys! If even after many seats lying vacant after the 5th counseling we managed a AAA+ Rating and a 17th rank in some highly publicized ratings, this is but a minor obstacle in the otherwise bright future of TU

T.U.-Ready to STORM THE FRONT?

by-Cypher feat. The Storm!


Ms Sheila is definitely hell bent on taking Thapar to new heights!! After numerous controversial decisions, this one is sure to blow the roof off this place! Yes, Thapar is all set for the introduction of a new branch CS16E (Counter Strike 1.6 Engineering) from this academic session.

In Ms Sheila’s words, “I think all of us would agree to the fact that our students are dedicated to Counter Strike more than anything else. People all across India go to KOTA for coaching for various entrance exams, Right! However, if you see closely, In Kota too there are more gaming parlours than there are coaching classes! Padhai k liye 2-3 ghante nahi jagte aur CS k liye nightout marr lete hain!“


The said branch would be open for admissions from this session. For this session AIEEE rankings would be the criteria, however, the next session onwards, it has been proposed to have a separate test CZAT (Condition Zero Aptitude Test). That’s about the admissions. What about the curriculum?

The students of this branch would learn all the basics of the game-all the different maps, weaponries, strategies. The second year would introduce core subjects like AMMO OPTIMIZATION TECHNIQUES, TOTAL FREEZE-TIME MAINTAENANACE, WEAPONS BUYING-NUMERICAL ANALYSIS, and GHOSTING-COMMUNICATION SKILLS. The going gets tougher in the third year with special skills brought to the table in subjects like SURVIVAL MECHANICS, MAP DESIGNING, BOMBING STRATEGICS, and FRAGGING THE FAG. The course would include a 6-month industrial training programme too which would let the students test their mantle against the PROS!! The final year would be all about specializing. Choices would include SNIPE SCIENCES, PISTOL PERFECT, KNOW YOUR KNIFE, and so.


The official announcement would soon be done although the college aspirants are already buzzing with excitement! “Wow! Isn’t that the greatest thing in the world? No learning stupid useless things. Only pure knowledge. Now this is education!” Few of the students already a part of Thapar expressed their desires to forfeit their current branches and start afresh. “I am in 2nd year currently and I don’t know shit about MY branch!! CS is what I want man!!”


However, the parents of the aspiring students are worried about the future scope of this new branch. Ms Sheila called a press conference to address the parents "There have been allegations that criminals have been using CS to practice shooting. Why can’t it be used the other way round!! This branch would give more people the opportunity to serve our nation! The students from this branch will gain technical knowledge about the various aspects of warfare and would be eligible to join the army. So there it goes a branch of engineering to help serve the nation."

Well Ms Sheila surely seems confident about her decisions. All we can say is GO GO GO!

Forget TU-SAT, Aliens have landed!!!!

by Arch Angel

(Thanks for sending us your entries. Do keep sending us your posts at fakingnewsthapar@gmail.com)

After Jairam dancing to the tunes of Thapar faculty, Yet another shocking story is coming in and this might be the biggest yet. Lately ,like all of you we too were shocked by Kapil Sibal’s bonafide words for TU but now it all seems to be making sense. After years of pondering we have finally cracked down the true story behind TU’s seemingly ambitious project of TU-SAT. The fact is ….(thang thang thang….) that aliens have already landed in TU and it is their super awesome ,ultra advanced technology that will help TU accomplish its dream . As in the popular comic and movie series ,’The transformers’ the aliens have been living with us in camouflage. While some used sober disguises like the abandoned tractor outside the library others made a daring move by disguising as teachers Manoj Baranwal, Parminder Singh Reel and a few others which I am too scared to name.


When the director was approached regarding this, he was shocked and only replied in,’ ammmm…. NO this is….ammmm can you sue me if I don’t reply? Ok, I don’t know amm….. but I’ll tell you a story about a fly and a bull…the fly……..(sorry, but we were so bored with his speech that we fell asleep and don’t remember anything that followed)…When we asked Manoj Baranwal about this he became really really angry and as always threatened us with,’ byy juu ask thij quaytion I bill take u joo Dean , I bill make juu suffer, don’t think I jont know you…I bill abard ju F grade’. However, when another alien disguised as a cute student in EIC was approached he scratched his head and spilled the beans,’ We thought earth will be fun with all the beer and booze, and since the chicks are so open here in TU I thought I might get lucky but I haven’t had any luck so far.. L’ after this he scratched his head and asked us to help him with his hands as he doesn’t know what to do with them.. Anyhow, lets hope these aliens leave soon and our women are protected from the clutches of the perverted EIC alien.

Jairam dances to the THAPAR FACULTY tunes!!

By Lance Alvers


You can’t keep some people out of the picture for long, Mr. Jairam Ramesh our Union Environment Minister is one of them, he has this uncanny knack of shooting into limelight with celerity and he does it with ease.  The controversy regarding the faculty at IIM and IIT had not taken the backburner in the Indian media parlance that Jairam once again found himself in the pulp of what could go on to become the next big debate concerning our education system.  After criticizing the faculty at these premier Indian institutes he did the unthinkable by showering praise at the faculty of Thapar University.
Paparazzi have it that this is yet another gambit by the university authorities to accelerate the admissions at the once elite academic institute of north India after the farcical claims of linking “The great Indian Feast(sic)” with O.P.Pandey, fell head first.  When quizzed on this, a certain ECE student came back with the reply, “this is not at all strange, we aren’t taught anything in class so our mind stays uncluttered and this gives a huge boost to free thinking, you’ve got to give credit to the faculty for this.”
FNT still doesn’t have any information from Mr. Jairam’s end, as to what propelled him to come up with such statement. He is reportedly giving some guest lectures at IIT, Delhi at the moment.
 It is ironical that the environment minister could observe the functioning of the faculty at the university but the felling of trees and the depletion of the flora around couldn’t catch his eye. But maybe it is not as insulting as the conduct of hordes of people who always neglect their social responsibilities but are not far to reach for when it calls for jumping the bandwagon for an unrealistic and baseless cause.

THE BEST THAPAR DISCOUNT YET!

by Mystique

Reports started coming in last Thursday about a potentially life-altering development (for students of TU) at the National Congress of Liquor Vendors, currently being held in the Indian capital of booze, our very own Chandigarh.

After some snooping around, we can now confirm these reports to be true – Patiala liquor vendors are going to start offering ‘Thapar Discounts’ on all of their commodities, effective as of the first of next month.

Oh my God! Right? I mean goddamnit f*#& YEAH!

Uhm…sorry, I just got a little excited there, as I’m sure, you did as well! Wait let me sit back down on my chair again.

Okay, so where was I…

Yeah, so we can confirm the reports claiming that Patiala liquor vendors are going to start offering ‘Thapar Discounts’ very very soon. Sources say that this move had been in the planning stage for a very long time now, but finally in this session of the NCLV ( National Congress of Liquor Vendors, if you haven’t been following), Lovely “ThekeVala” Singh, the Patiala representative spoke out in a very emotionally-charged address. We have excerpts of that address for you –

“For too long, we have sat by, saying nothing… while our most loyal customers, those starry-eyed boys…and girls…from Thapar have suffered…needlessly, I might add. Why should these people, these wonderful, wonderful people who give us so much business, have to pay the same amount as any third rate alcoholic roaming around the streets of Patiala. These boys…and girls…need the things we have to offer them, and they purchase these things at such high prices. And I say why? Why why why why WHY!? They get discounted pizza, discounted RD, so why the f$%* should we not give them discounted booze?

Uhm…one second…oye Pinku, dhyaan rakh yar, drink khatam hogi meri…chheti banaa!

Ah yes, where was I…yes, why should we not offer them discounted booze? And it also makes financial sense, if they think it’s cheaper, they’ll buy more, and that will more than make up for the money we stand to lose for the discount. It’s win-win!

Er…han han, bas baki soda paa de yar…

Yes, sorry about that. Yes, it’s win-win! So I say let’s do it!”

This address was followed by an unprecedented unanimous vote for the move. Unprecedented because, well, it’s the NCLV, there’s always some drunk idiot who votes the other way just for the heck of it. But this time, even the ones who had passed out, woke up for just long enough to vote yes. It was an historic day indeed.

Early reports suggest that the discount would be around the 15%-20% mark, and for an average Thapar student, this would mean savings of up to Rs.600, or in other terms about one and a half extra bottles of the good stuff per month, or in still other terms almost seven extra bottles of beer per month. To us at FNT, that sounds like a heck of a deal.

We asked some of the students around campus what they thought of this new turn of events. A few of them passed out on hearing the news, while others started jumping around uncontrollably in fits of unbridled joy. One of them, a strapping young fellow who wished to remain anonymous, was able to talk after we resuscitated him. In his words, it was the “best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Another one of his friends, who was so happy on hearing the news he actually managed to have a few drinks before we interviewed him, said, “I’ll tell you what, man…hahahaha! This is so brilliant! I mean…hahahaha! I love you, man, you’re my brother! Hahahaha!”

He proceeded to throw up all over himself and then, still laughing, ran away to get more booze.

If you ask this reporter, FNT has never reported such a positive story before, and I am glad to have been the one to write it, this amazing report, so full of joy, hope and just full to the brim with the triumph of human spirit (pun intended).

Ramdev was waiting for Green signal from OP Pandey - Sources

by Cyclops

His methods may be controversial, but the public is with him once again mainly because of the belief that they have in him, BABA RAMDEV. The man who has been threatening the government with hunger strikes since the last couple of weeks. He finally starts today after the congress tried their luck at deferring the start by sending in a number of ministers to try and convince the baba. However the baba revealed today that Kapil Sibal and co. did not manage to stop him. He was waiting for his old chaddi-buddy, OP Pandey, who is a professor at Thapar. He made it clear today morning that Pandey was the one who gave him the vision and ideas and he was a friend who had stood by him in difficult times.

Ramdev went on to iterate stories of his bachpan, how both of them cheered for Eddie Guerrero every Monday night at RAW, their favorite show. And how on one particular Monday both of them didn't eat dinner after Eddie Guerrero was thrashed by Hulk Hogan. "Had I eaten food that painful night, I wouldn't have had the courage to gather the masses and instigate a nation-wide protest", he added, "I look up to Guerrero as my childhood idol, I still salute him for giving me all the courage I have today."

This might seem a little too much to gulp down for the Congress. As soon as Ramdev got the nod from Pandey, he decided to begin his fast along with Pandey bhai and thousands of others at the Ramlila ground in New Delhi. Pandey was quick to add, "Thapar University ki taraf se poora saport hai, humne Hazare ji ke time par bhi ek lambi daud lagayi thi mombati lekar, aur ab hum khud chalein aayein hain baba ke saath baithne ke liye. Apne bache ke liye Thapar ka form zaroor bhariyega (...)"

Dead pigeons bring AC to classrooms

By elv10

(From the editors: Another story received via mail at fakingnewsthapar@gmail.com by our correspondent elv10. We request our readers to continue sending in their stories through mail, who knows urs might be up tomorrow or day after? You can add a fake name too, and we'll make sure it gets published the way you want it)

It seems like a bad year for Thapar University, lately it has been in a lot of controversies and here is another one. The Animal Rights Association has filed a law suit against the University for unlawful killing of Pigeons in the Campus area. The whole thing started a few months ago when multiple complaints regarding Pigeon nuisance and Feces Bombing in the classrooms were filed by the students and some teachers. The classrooms (most of em') in the University are non AC and pigeon nests could be seen near the ventilators.

As a result of increasing complaints a committee was set up and they came up with a solution that was to exterminate these pigeons. Although some teachers revolted and said that a better option would be to make all the class rooms AC so that the doors remain closed and pigeons can't build up their nests but the management paid no heed to it. As a result the pigeons were exterminated.

The Animal rights Association authorities noticed a decrease in the pigeon population a month ago and someone in the University blew the whistle and the officials came to know that the university was responsible for these killings, so a case has been filed and the first hearing is due on Monday, 6th June 2011.

When the Animal association spokesperson was questioned by the FNT team concerning the incident he said "We believe that no one has a right to kill these innocent creatures and the university must pay for the killings" he also added that "There were alternatives available but the University chose the one with least cost input". When a teacher was interviewed he said "Well its a brutal act and the University must pay, at the same time the university must make sure that a better solution is adopted as the problem might arise again in the future"

It is being speculated that Thapar will lose the case and a possible fine will be imposed, to make sure nothing like this happens again in future the court might force Thapar University to install AC's in every classroom. If this happens these dead pigeons will become heroes of every student in the college.

END SEM-TIMEOUTed??

by Cypher

Amidst on-going speculations of revamping the examination system, the university officials have come up with what could very well be a revolutionary change in itself! Yes, the authorities have decided to introduce what they are calling 'Strategic Timeouts’ into the examinations.

"Strategic timeouts is an altogether new concept. ((Really??)) We’ve been thinking of implementing them for a while now. it will totally change the contemporary examination system of our country." said Ms Sheila. However, what exactly are these timeouts?

As the name suggests, timeouts would be a chance for the students and teachers to assess their situation and re-strategize accordingly. Initially we are going to apply them only in the ESTs. The basis of this system is a dynamic question paper. Means, the question paper now will be subjected to change in between the exams! For a three-hour exam, there'll be two timeouts of 2 minute each- one for the teachers and one for the students. The teacher's side timeout will be taken after an hour into the exam. The student's side one will be taken half an hour from the end of the exam.

The teachers, in their timeout can assess how the students have been scoring so far in the exam and thus can make the necessary seating plan changes or if needed, they can introduce some harder questions in the paper to reduce the scoring rate of the students. The students timeout comes in with only half an hour to go; when everyone has had a fair idea of how the paper is, so the students can come together and plan about what would be a good score in that exam. They can talk and plan about their approach from there on. The students will also have an option to change their seating order according to their will during this timeout.

Although the authorities think it’s a great idea, we got a mixed response from the students. An ECE guy said “this is nonsense. If everyone can work together, how am I supposed to score convincing A’s in all subjects! What’ll happen to my 10.0 C.G!!” . Few mechanical guys on the other hand were seen celebrating “fuck yeah bitches!! That’s what we wanted. Everyone to be equally good or bad! We got it now!!” When a few CSE guys were asked, they responded in some code language which we couldn't understand. AML; AML was all the said.(we're still wondering what that must have meant). The Biotech and Chemical people were not available for commenting.(HA! like their response ever made any REAL difference!). The EIC/ELEC people were too busy in and around the electrical labs so they couldn't comment. Although the idea itself is innovative, only time will tell how does it fare when put to test in the real world.

P.S-the authorities have confirmed that they would be called KABIR COMMUNICATIONS Strategic Timeout!

DESI FORMULA

by Lance Alvers

The cacophony of thousand horse power engines tearing apart the silence and the smell of incinerated rubber burning the track will set the temperatures rising even more at the Thapar university campus come JUNE 2011. In what could be termed as the most bizarre move by the FIA (Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile), the F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone announced the first ever college Grand Prix in over sixty years of the sport’s history, adding one more feather in the cap of the Thapar university. The race will be the sixth race of the season and the fifth ever street circuit after the Monaco, Melbourne, Valencia and Singapore circuits. The main gate will see the beginning of the race, and the lap will comprise of the straight hostel road, followed by a turn towards the massive J grand stands (yeah the balconies of hostel J will serve as the stands for the race, and let me tell you the spots are selling like hot cakes, thank God FNT has got some passes). The H hostel route will serve as the Pit lane for the constructors, to ensure easier and better fueling all the teams are given a common resource. The Tanki will be filled with gas and 12 outlets will be provided from the main body so that each team can take out a nozzle from it.

Well there is another piece of trivia attached to the story as of how Thapar managed to upstage the likes of Harvard and Oxford for this race. The entire credit goes to the Thapar guard fraternity, in the biggest incident of altruism the guards accorded to act as marshals in the race for no money (the mere thought of sharing the space with liquor baron Vijay Mallya was enticing enough for them). And there are others who are just happy waving the flags and living their moment of glory on the big screen. Though there is still a big question mark on who will wave the chequered flag to mark the conclusion of the race.

As if granting an entire GP wasn’t enough the FIA officials have allotted a wild card entry to local constructors Team Fateh. They have even issued a Super driver license to the team students so that they can race an F1 car. The team is all smiles and is not dismissing its chances to win this first, one of a kind race which will be a part of the regular F1 calendar from this season. “All we need is a good driver and a good car and I am sure nothing will come in our way to grab this coveted GP, our welding, our engine and our seat comfort they are all better than the likes of red bull, Renault and Ferrari”, said the head of TF in an interview to FNT. But this decision has also raised a few eyebrows in the other camp; team Hybrid another car making team from the varsity has been criticizing this policy from the word go and is vying for another wild card entry into the race.

Also the biggest problem to have popped up amidst this hum is the ban on powered vehicles inside the lush green campus, but the authorities are trying to figure a way out of this issue. They think that the rules can be twisted to accommodate an event of this stature and magnanimity. This decision just like any other has also come under a lot of flak from the F1 community, F1 commentator Steve slater believes that this act is frivolous, “you got to be kidding me, how can you make this a race track, there is no way you can overtake on this circuit.”. But there are others who believe that this gives a platform to teams to rethink their strategies and win this thing on Pit stops.  Support is also pouring in from the testing authorities, “This is like biking around in your living room”, said an F1 driver who was testing the track for safety reasons.

There is a buzz in the campus; people who are not much into motorsports are also looking forward to the race, who knows if Force India pulls up a massive one up its sleeve this June, we might be in for another siddharth-deepika show. :P